6 Kick Ass Tips to Improve Your Emotional Intelligence

Being able to control your emotions depends in part on how much you ‘feed’ a particular emotion; on how much we focus on what we are afraid of, enraged by, or depressed about. But it’s more than that. Good ’emotional intelligence’ requires we understand our own moods, recognizing when and why we are upset and having very real strategies in place to be able to influence the way that we feel.

So if you ever find yourself tossed around helplessly on a hysterical tumultuous sea of emotion and want some ways to at least adjust your sails, the better to steer your own course toward calmer waters, then read on.

1) Control your emotions by looking ahead

An old Zen master said: “Your anger, depression, spite, or despair, so seemingly real and important right now; where will they have gone in a month, a week, or even a moment?”

Very intense emotions blind us to the future and con us that now is all that matters. In fact, when we are incredibly angry or anxious, we can even momentarily forget that there is even going to be a future.

We’ve all said or done things we later regret simply because, for a time, we let ourselves be dictated by our own emotion. If you get angry, think to yourself: “How will I feel tomorrow if I lose my dignity and tell this person (I have to see everyday) that they have a face like a cow pat?” If you are anxious about some imminent event, say to yourself: “Wow, how am I going to feel tomorrow/next week when I look back at this?” Look beyond the immediate and you’ll see the bigger picture and calm down, too.

2) Get to know yourself

We all kid ourselves a little/a lot. “No, I’m really pleased for you! No, I really am!” 

Learn to observe your own attitudes and emotional ebbs and flows. One key first step to emotional control is to know when we are actually being emotional and also why.

If you catch yourself feeling unexpectedly strongly about something, ask yourself why. Controlling your emotions isn’t about pretending they are not there. If you feel jealous, angry, sad, bitter, or greedy, label exactly how you are feeling in your own mind: “Okay, I don’t like that I’m feeling this way, but I’m feeling very envious!” Now you’ve admitted it to yourself.

The next step is to identify why you feel the way you do: “I hate to admit it, but I’m feeling envious of Bob because he’s just been complimented for his work and I haven’t!”

Being able to exercise this self-honesty means you don’t have to resort to what a large proportion of the human race do. Knowing what emotion you are feeling and being man or woman enough to identify the truth as to why you are feeling it means you’re that much closer to doing something about it.

3) Change your mood; do something different

We tend to assume that moods just ‘happen to us’ and, like storms, the best we can do is wait until they pass. But, unlike climatic storms, we can influence – even change – our moods without resorting to unhealthy means such as alcohol or drugs. Being able to manage and influence your own emotions is a powerful marker for good health, emotional maturity, and happiness.

One way to alter your mood is to instantly do something else. For example, if you feel flat and bored, continuing to watch uninteresting TV will deepen the mood. Switching it off and going for a walk in a new neighbourhood will inevitably change your mood. If you feel cross, consciously focus on three things in your life for which you can feel grateful. If you are anxious, start to imagine that what you are anxious about has already happened and gone much better than expected.

The important thing is just to do or think something different. Don’t be passively carried along by the current of the mood. The quickest way to do this may be to simply imagine not feeling the way you are feeling.

4) Observe how others deal effectively with their emotions

We can learn so much from other people (as long as we look to the right people to learn from!).

How do other ’emotionally skilled’ people deal with their frustrations and difficulties? You could even ask them: “How do you keep so cool when you’re presenting to all these people? Why doesn’t that make you angry? How do you keep smiling after such setbacks?”

Their answers could actually change your life if you start to apply what you learn.

5) Change your physiology

Some people assume that emotions are ‘all in your head’, whereas actually all emotions are physical responses. Anger pushes heart rate and blood pressure up, which is why having an angry temperament is a predictor of heart disease ; anxiety produces lots of physical changes; and even depression suppresses the immune system .

So part of changing your emotional state involves dealing directly with the physical changes. Physical changes are led by the way we breathe. For instance, anger and anxiety can only ‘work’ if we are breathing quicker with shallow breaths. Take time to:

• Stop breathing for five seconds (to ‘reset’ your breath).
• Now breathe in slowly, focussing on your diaphragm, until your lungs are full of air.
• Then breathe out even more slowly (and whilst doing this, imagine that you are breathing pure rest and relaxation into your hands).
• Keep doing this and remember it’s the out-breath that will calm everything down.

6) Create spare capacity in your life

We experience counterproductive emotions for different reasons. Maybe we have never learnt to control ourselves or perhaps we are living in such a way that makes it more likely we’ll experience emotional problems.

Everybody has needs. If these needs aren’t met, then you will suffer. You have very basic needs for food, sleep, shelter, and water; if these needs aren’t met properly, you will feel more emotional – no doubt. But you also have emotional needs.

To be emotionally healthy, a person needs to:

• Feel safe and secure; feel they have safe territory.
• Regularly give and receive quality attention.
• Feel a sense of influence and control over their life.
• Feel part of a wider community.
• Enjoy friendship, fun, love, and intimacy with significant people.
• Feel a sense of status; basically, feel they have a recognizable role in life. This also connects to a sense of competence and achievement.
• Feel stretched but not stressed to avoid stagnation, boredom, and to enhance self-esteem and a sense of status in life.

When these are met adequately, we then feel our life has meaning and purpose.
Not meeting basic needs leaves us feeling that life is pointless and meaningless and will leave us wide open to emotional problems.

When you live in a way that, to some extent, meets all or most of the above needs, then you’ll enjoy greater emotional stability and control. Knowing what you need in life is the first step to creating ‘spare capacity’ to focus beyond your emotions. And you can see how not meeting the need for feeling secure or getting enough attention or feeling connected to people around you could cause you emotional problems. Really think about these needs and gradually pursue activities that are likely to help you fulfil them.

Photo via fastcompany.