The Party’s Over: 25 Signs You’re Completely Done With It

Making the rounds on the party circuit comes with an expiration date. And if you clicked through to read this article, welcome to the (non) club!

Here are 20 signs you’re completely over clubbing.

1. You prefer lounging on the couch more than dancing on it.

2. You’re sick of visiting the Apple store for a new phone.

3. You find yourself complaining that you can’t wear flannels there.

4. When people tell you to “get low,” you think you’re being held up.

5. You’d rather be sucking off your boyfriend than the bouncer. Proverbially, of course.

6. You finally invested in nice, new shoes and you’d like to keep them that way.

7. You throw your hands up in the air sometimes… and face plant onto your bed saying “A-yo, that was a long day.”

8. You’ve significantly scaled back on your glitter use instead embracing the “natural look.”

9. If you hear Pitbull one more time, you will stab someone with a cocktail stirrer.

10. You’re debating ISIS, not where to go after the pregame.

11. Not knowing the names of cool clubs doesn’t upset you nearly as much as you thought it would two years ago.

12. Every single part of club is a line: long lines to get in, lines to check your coat, lines to order a drink, dancing in lines, bathroom lines and lines in the bathroom. Why can’t clubs be edgier?

13. Your booty calls are confused when you text before 11 pm asking to go home together.

14. You really can’t listen to that much Rihanna or Enrique or Swedish House Mafia. Oh hell, I don’t even know what they play at the club these days.

15. The whole time that you’re there, you are thinking about what you want to watch on Netflix.

16. You feel hungover after a single drink.

17. Despite staving it off throughout college, your finely-tuned gag reflexes can finally tell the difference between promoter vodka and the good stuff.

18. You are never, ever going to meet anyone of substance at the club and you know that by now. Who’s down for a wine bar!? Woohoo!

20. You’re confused as to why they can’t just lower the music a little?

21. You’re more afraid of wearing your high heels than you are of looking really stupid in flats.

22. You’ve run out of Neutrogena face wipes and aren’t keeping them on your nightstand anymore.

23. You can’t even force yourself to stay up to late-night eat.

24. You want to go to the bathroom without waiting half an hour.

25. You’re literally wearing a shirt that you wear to work to da club. You’re popping another button like you’re popping bottles, thinking you’re sooooo bad.

But most of all … You’re over-identifying with everything on this list.